’Tis
the season to make predictions for the coming year. So, in honor of that
slovenly, disheveled patron saint of sportswriters – Oscar Madison – I’ve put
on a ratty, old sweatshirt and cleaned the mustard and pizza-sauce stains off
of my crystal baseball, football,
basketball, golf ball and hockey puck in order to get a clearer view of the
future.
Please be forewarned that my tongue has been
planted firmly in my cheek for many of these prognostications.
And, by all means, do NOT – I repeat – do NOT
bet any of your hard-earned money on Nostra-Scottie’s feeble attempts at
clairvoyance. Otherwise, you’ll risk going over the fiscal cliff.
·
The Buffalo Bills clean house – new general
manager, new coach, new starting quarterback. David Caldwell, the Atlanta
Falcons’ director of player personnel and a Buffalo native, replaces Buddy Nix
as GM.
·
Wake up the echoes! Manti Te’o intercepts a pass
in the end zone as time expires, preserving Notre Dame’s 23-22 victory over Alabama
in college football’s national championship game.
·
Voters fail to elect steroid-users Barry Bonds
and Roger Clemens into the Baseball Hall of Fame, but each player garners a
surprisingly high 40 percent of the vote.
·
The Green Bay Packers defeat the New England
Patriots, 48-44, in the highest scoring Super Bowl ever as quarterbacks Aaron
Rodgers and Tom Brady combine for more than 1,000 passing yards.
·
Brett Favre creates quite a stir when he tells a
Buffalo radio station he would love to make a comeback with the Bills. The team
instead opts to sign Michael Vick to a two-year, incentive-laden contract and
drafts Syracuse quarterback Ryan Nassib in the second round.
·
A day after attending an “Art of the Compromise”
seminar hosted by Congressional and Senate leaders in Washington, NHL
Commissioner Gary Bettman and player’s association president Donald Fehr hold
separate news conferences announcing that the entire season has been put on ice.
·
Syracuse is eliminated in the Elite Eight. After
leading the nation in assists, Michael Carter-Williams declares early for the
NBA draft and is chosen in the first round.
·
Michigan nips Duke to win the NCAA basketball
championship.
·
Magic Johnson, upset that the jillion dollars he
spent on players’ contracts isn’t resulting in more wins, fires Don Mattingly in
mid-season and takes over as manager of the Dodgers.
·
Kevin Durant wins the MVP award as the Oklahoma
City Thunder de-throne Lebron James and the Miami Heat as NBA kings.
·
Ralph Wilson sells the Bills to a consortium
headed by former quarterback Jim Kelly and former Sabres owner Tom Golisano,
who immediately announce that the team will be staying in Buffalo FOREVER. The
Ralph is renamed Paychex Park.
·
Jim Boeheim announces he will return for a 38th
season as SU’s head basketball coach.
·
Rory McElroy wins the 2013 PGA at Oak Hill
Country Club. Hamstrung by the famed course’s narrow fairways and treacherous
rough, Tiger Woods misses the cut and refuses to talk to the media afterward.
·
Neither the Yankees nor Red Sox make the
playoffs.
·
The Pittsburgh Pirates snap North America’s
longest post-season drought by earning an NL wildcard berth.
·
The Bills sign Olympic gold-medal winning
sprinter Usain Bolt to a free agent contract as a wide receiver.
·
Mariano Rivera retires after recording 35 saves
for the Yankees. But the news is overshadowed by Hal Steinbrenner’s
house-cleaning. Taking a page from his late father, Hal announces he is
replacing manager Joe Girardi with Billy Martin and threatens to trade Derek
Jeter to the Montreal Expos.
·
Bryce
Harper wins the National League MVP and Stephen Strasburg the Cy Young Award as
the Washington Nationals defeat the Toronto Blue Jays in seven games in the
World Series.
·
The Big East Conference says it will be adding several
junior colleges.
·
Ryan Nassib replaces injury- and turnover-prone Michael
Vick and fires a 99-yard touchdown pass to Bolt – now known as “Insane Usain” –
to beat the New England Patriots and clinch a wildcard spot. The goal posts are
razed by delirious fans at the stadium formerly known as the Ralph and new
cereals in honor of Nassib and Usain hit the grocery store shelves the
following week.
·
Butler basketball whiz kid Brad Stevens takes
over as the new head coach at UCLA.
·
Tim Tebow helps Jacksonville beat former
employers, the Broncos and Jets, to clinch a playoff spot.
·
Gary Bettman and Donald Fehr attend another “Art
of the Compromise” seminar in Washington and announce in separate press
conferences that the NHL is canceling the 2013-14 season.
·
After an 0-4 start in which fans and media call
for Tom Coughlin’s firing and Eli Manning’s benching, the Giants reel off 12
consecutive victories to win the NFC East.
·
Andrew Luck becomes the first quarterback to
pass for more than 6,000 yards and Robert Griffin III becomes the first
quarterback to throw for 4,000 and rush for 2,000.
·
C.J. Spiller rushes for 1,800 yards and 15
touchdowns for the Bills. Buffalo media complains that Usain Bolt isn’t getting
enough touches.
·
Owners and players throughout the sports world agree
to pay cuts and reduced profits so they can offer tens of thousands of free and
deeply discounted tickets to fans. (And if you believe that one, I have some
“Art of the Compromise” seminar tickets for you.)